Recent events have left me feeling drained, raw, angry, hurt, sad and on the verge of falling back into the depression that I battled with back in 2005 after my burnout at work. First I was too numb to even think clearly. Then little_monkey was sick for the first time, high fevers and a very congested nose and throat, leading to an ear infection. For a week I fought back the darkness threatening to overwhelm me, no time for that while I looked after little_monkey, who, threw up, cried in pain and was generally miserable. She is now better. And with her return to health, the darkness that was laying in wait came. I've allowed it to work in my subconscious by reading a book when I was not otherwise busy. I haven't slept 8 hours straight since the 5th of December. The only sleep I get is a few hours here and there when I am so tired that I can no longer stay awake. Bob keeps coming and giving me licks and laying at my feet in a protective manner.

Sometime on Friday I recall telling DH I was allowing myself the weekend to wallow. And that on Monday I would pick up the pieces and start slowing "stitching myself together" again. I told him this both so he would take up the slack of me turning inwards and because by putting it in words I was making a little anchor back out of the darkness. One needs to give oneself time to feel those raw feelings. But one needs to return home from them in order to continue living. And continue living a good life is my intention!

Last Saturday (12.Dec) I tried to turn inwards and focus on my inner lake (last mentioned here), in the hope of gathering a bit of strength and calm. I was shocked to find it gone, in its place a plain bucket in a bare gray room. The bucket was 2/3s full. Every now and then a small drop falling into the bucket. At first I was shocked, but then a drop falling into the bucket caught my attention... I figured thats some kind of healing taking place, a good sign. I focused on the surroundings of the bucket and found the bucket to be in good condition, no rust, no holes... no water leaking from it. Also a good sign. Feeling reassured that the seed of my lake is being safely kept in this bucket inside this gray room I've kept myself going. Today the bucket is still in the room, still 2/3s full... but safe. There is one small change, the bucket now seems to be hanging from a tap, from which the drops are falling into it.

True to my word, today I am picking up the pieces. I took little_monkey to the doctor and she was officially declared healthy and OK to go to the kindergarden. When I dropped her off she was welcomed by the ladies and all her favourite little friends. They missed her over the past 3 weeks. I had intended to go to work, but since I forgot my security card at home I decided it wasnt worth going through the process of getting a temporary card. No one was expecting me. I can go to work tomorrow. I've gone out and got a Christmas tree. The tree was frozen when I brought it home. Its now thawed and I can smell the true fragrance of pine as I type this. We'll decorate it tonight when little_monkey is home.

Its midwinter. The shortest day of the year. The longest night of the year. After tonight, light returns as the days get longer. I marvel at the coincidence that unknowingly I chose today to start picking up the pieces. Another good sign? I hope so.

I wonder why we celebrate New Year on the night of 31.Dec to 01.Jan. I could probably find the answer if I googled it. Its not important. To me it would make more sense to celebrate New Year's eve tonight. If I get a chance I may think of my goals for the coming year tonight.

A return to normality is good. I have some feelings and things I need to deal with. That will be done in due time, with care and patience. For now its time to go make some food, pick up little_monkey and maybe see if I can find some lights for the Christmas tree.